Bout Blues

Ok, someone's getting her ANGRY FACE on!!!!


And that someone would be ME!!!!!!

PUT ME IN! PUT ME IN! PUT ME IN!!!!

Don't make me wait out everyone else's friskin penalty!!!!!!

UGH!

pissed.


***edit: definitely meant "frickin" hahaha.... oops. 'Bout to get frisky if things don't change.

talk to da hand cuz I'm getting pissy

Trying not to get pissy, but there are some skater girls that just drive me up walls. Ok just one. She's not even on the team. That's the problem. She's jelly and so she's taking it out on me.

Nit pick nit pick nit pick pick pick pick!

That is all she does.

Gurl, get over it.

(applies to both of us, I suppose.)

GOALZ

1. Be someone's derby crush

2. Get comfortable on skates.

3. Jam in a bout

4. Be a key player

5. Perfect stops


ok, must cease here. could go on. I'll give you an update in 6 months!

oh, crap it!

I've fallen in love.

Again.

Derby, why do you do this to me?!

stop.

please.

I can't stop thinking about this person.

Erase, erase!

IMMA TEAMSTER!

I MADE THE TEAM!

yeah buddy!

ME!

made it. made it real good.

hello darkness, my old friend

My secret pleasure is the moment after I return home from practice and before I greet my shower. The house is dark, the dogs are (usually) asleep.

I slip out to our porch and strip down.

First I peel off my wrist guards, my elbow pads, my knee pads, and dig my helmet out of my bag.

I slip out of my elbow socks, pull down my knee gaskets and peel off my socks.

Then comes the best part of all-- I take off my shorts and shirt, and stand there, in the dark, basking in (near) nakedness. I leave on certain undergarments on the off-chance my neighbors have their binoculars out.

I think the mosquitos have died off in the drought, so I allow myself an extra few moments, standing there... appreciating the stillness, the startling beauty and terror of woods at night.

Then I go inside, shut the door softly and pad upstairs to continue my nighttime routine.

Perhaps the reason my mother doesn't remember my childhood is that she thinks I'm still in it.

#Ihatehashtags.

Most Delicious Salad

Turkey (Honey-Roasted from Costco), raisins, cinnamon, balsmaic vinegar and kale stalks (save the actual leaves for kale chips!). Let the raisins soak up some of the vinegar before gorging.

It tastes about exactly as it sounds, so if you don't like the ingredients or think they don't belong together-- well, I can't help you. Go pour some mayonnaise on your bland taste! 

I feel so high class, drinking water out of a wine glass.

Have not been productive at all today. At least not in the traditional sense.

Productivity depends on the end goal, n'est-ce pas?

My end goal was to have all of my assignments done tonight so that I could get a good night's sleep and wake up early tomorrow, ready to face my laundry list of destinations.

Instead I did a different kind of laundry. The real kind. And cooked (sweet potato fries, kale chips and more kale chips), cleaned, and frogged around en ligne. I had my heart broken over cancer stories. I became depressed over my lack of romantic affairs. And I wondered if I'd ever get married, be skinny or have a job.

This wasn't the kind of productivity I intended, but I suppose I cannot un-live the day. I must march forth-- and maybe accomplish at least one tangible thing!

"If only I could sue my body for breach of contract with the natural order of things."

I've been reading a lot about cancer today.

From this series about a 22-year old woman who returns from Paris only to find out she has leukemia

to bawling over this video, which shows Josh Ritter's girlfriend and her former husband.

Life is so transient. And unexpected. Maybe being alone today has made me extra sensitive-- I feel so disconnected from The Outside and in some ways I hope I don't lose this feeling, because maybe then I'll also lose appreciation.

That's all for today, folks. Not sure how much longer my derby hiatus will continue, but this urge to blog has persisted.

Love and derby smooches,

SB

Why, hello there!

I've relocated to a big city and become big stuff.

Well, I do enjoy pretending I'm a local. Anyway I'll be here for the rest of the month and then possibly returning to derby, or possibly returning to the fatherland. I really don't know much about my future and certainly don't understand a lot of my present.

I'll get back to you with more vague thoughts directly. Until, enjoy...

(the music, not the bizarre collection of canines...)

"Who does derby on Memorial day?" asked a(n uninitiated) friend of mine.

Not a lot of people showed up at practice, actually. Which was fine by me!

Indoctrination

Here's a fun activity to do with a 3-year old when you're tired of re-building Jenga and re-reading If You Give A Mouse A Cookie...

Who knew 3-year olds could be fascinated by replacing outdoor wheels with indoor wheels? Perhaps not a widespread (or approved) babysitting activity, but it definitely killed an hour.

And hey, they paid only $6/hr... might as well get a bit of labor out of their son!

Teasing, of course! (Not about the $6/hr part, unfortunately.) I had to re-do his half of the wheels. But I do believe I might have lit a  derby spark in his soul! And that, as they say, is priceless.

Pride Cometh Before A Wipeout

Took my dog out for a walk and wore my skates.

This is not how it went down.

I knew this was going to be a near-fatal decision but decided I needed to face fears eventually. WWTHD?  Tony Hawk would certainly go for it, and so did I. 

Matters would not be so difficult if my dog were serene, mid-to-small-sized and intelligent. Unfortunately, she is none of these things. 

(Case in point: I came downstairs before my graduation last Saturday dressed in my black cap & gown. My dog went BALLISTIC and barked as I've never seen her bark before. Her tail kept her stomach guarded as she dove around the kitchen table, warning everyone that an intruder was in our midst. Meanwhile, I kept calling her name, attempting to encourage two of her brain cells to become reacquainted. It took several long moments for her to finally come to me, and even then she was quite suspicious.) 

In addition to being large and in charge, she is also quite skittish. The first half of our walk consisted of her barking at my roller skates (even though I'd tried to prepare her for the identity crisis by having her watch me put my gear on and talking to her all the while) and running in front of or behind me, which did not make for much of a straight trajectory. Then she suddenly remembered herself and without a warning went into poo mode. Negotiating the poo bag and her dirt was about as difficult as expected.

Finally we settled into a rhythm, and I decided to push myself a bit. I didn't dare go faster (because that elicited the reaction of her pouncing on my skates and / or nibbling my wrist guards) but tried to hop over every other crack in the sidewalk. I was doing pretty well. A guy on a bike going past said "Hey! How's it going?" and I wanted him to ask further questions so I could explain that I played roller derby and was pretty much a badass even though I looked like Bambi on wheels (with her pet gorilla attached). I was sure he'd buy it. 

I started imagining giving a radio interview and pictured myself all chilled out in a swivel chair with the DJ eating up my words. "Yeah, this is ___________ and I play for the _____________ derby dolls..."

It was just then, one house from my own, that disaster struck. 

I don't even know how it struck. All I knew was I was going down. The shit went flying and so did I. Thankfully not on the same trajectory. 

I didn't really get hurt. At all. (A scraped thumb is nothing to post on Facebook about!) But I did find it amusing that my radio interview was cut short. It's rescheduled for next month. 

Oh, Happy Day!

1. I GRADUATED

2. (I don't have a job-- but being unemployed has its perks. Only one, actually, but I've been maxing it out-- T-I-M-E!)

3. My grandparents are here... they live 16,000 miles away. Leaving tonight, though :( They are so precious.

4. I tested out my name on my relatives last night at dinner and the LOVED it!!! I wish I could broadcast it here!

5. DERBY PRACTICE TONIGHT!!! I watched half of Whip It last night and it got me pumped for tonight! I'm determined to be FEARLESS!

Priorities

Got my nail polish all picked out for graduation on Saturday. I am all prepared, folks!

Now... the real debate... I double majored. Which major should I sit with? I'm leaning towards the one sitting closer to the stage... alternatively, I think there are more cuties in the second major, farther back...

wow, the trials of an undergrad...

just so glad that this (31-paged, 9,863 words) paper is DONE!

ok, now to think derby thoughts. Love to the world!

Things I Have Googled Today in Effort to Avoid My Paper

--Myself
--Icelandic People--> Iceland--> Icelandic language--> Faroese language
--Courtney Stodden (I regret this... I have become enraptured, just as one cannot turn away from a speeding train wreck)
--DIY Tshirt-into-tank methods
--Various dessert recipes
--Is whistling genetic?
--Maya Rudolph--> Minnie Ripperton--> Minnie Ripperton + Loving You --> Teena--> Alia Rose
--this blog, attempting to make it pop up in a search engine (unsuccessful)
--Bridesmaids movie reviews (I find they spoil the movie if I read them ahead of time, but I become fascinated AFTER I've seen the movie... messed up, I know...)
--Nike Frees / Asics Gel Noosa
--Bill Hadar (celebrity crush x 1 million)
--my neighbors
--How To Enjoy The Taste of Beer
--Whole Foods + Why whole foods won't come to my town (grrr!)
--Various derby names
--Gwen Stefani --> Harijuku Girls--> Margaret Cho
--The Music Man--> Zaneeta--> How to pronounce "egads"

and that is only a small sampling. Not included: Facebook searches, Pinterest searches & Amazon reviews...

Ok, seriously. The end is in sight! Must. Finish. Paper. TONIGHT! (52 minutes to go!!!)

snarkfest

I think derby is turning me into a...

well, fill that in with whatever.

Just got a call while I was busy editing my final paper-- I answered the home phone without checking the ID, figuring it'd be my mother haggling me again. (She had just called 5 minutes prior.)

"HI!!! Is _____ there?!" an all-too energetic voice screamed.

"No... but if you call back in an hour she will be."

"Can't I just leave a message?!" the voice whined.

"Sure."

I waited.

"Well, this is Tammy from TreeGrow and we'll be there to plant trees Monday and Tuesday."

I waited some more. There must be more to this message, I thought.

"...That's all. She'll know what that means."

Good, cuz for the life of me I sure can't figure out the hieroglyphics of it...

I wanted to say, "Can you please just call back? I don't know if I can be responsible enough to handle passing along this complicated message..."

but instead, I just responded to her "Thanks SO much" with an equally sugar-ladden "You are SO WELCOME!!!" to which I'm sure she couldn't help but taste a few drops of sarcasm.

It Takes Two to Tango

Last practice, I had the most interaction with Tony Hawk that I've ever had. Of course no words were exchanged-- but there was definite eye contact.

It was the league's team evaluations. Since I only have my red star (boo!) I wasn't eligible to participate (admittedly relieved about this!). Bodacious had set up different agility stations and we were to travel around while certain skaters were tested. One of the stations was a mock obstacle course, where stuffed animals, frisbees and pop bottles were strewn. A mat was laid out at the end to jump over, supposedly imitating a fallen skater. I managed to navigate my way and even clear the mat so I was feeling pretty good about it all and went back often throughout the night. I noticed I got better each time. Of course, then I watched Tony and my sense of accomplishment plummeted. Watching her, it was like she was born on skates. Her legs move so adroitly, with no apparent effort at all. She just skipped through the station and wafted back to the start of the line without batting an eyelash.

Tony is just so darn cute. Deciding to tweak the station a tad, she set up a stuffed dog and elephant on top of two pop bottles (a height of about 1.5 feet) and cleared it with ease. Some other girls tried with varying success. "Do you think I should try?", I asked Twinkie. "Let me put it to you this way-- I'm not going to try!" she responded, which certainly gave me a pause. I skated slowly up to it and.......... tripped around it. Weak. Tony saw the whole thing (and also saw me stumble around the other stations) but hey... she apparently has a girlfriend so what do I care? 

Except I do!! I do care! I want her to like me! I want to TALK to her! To pick up derby skills by osmosis and her general cool-cat attitude. 

We also pulled up to another station and worked as a pair on stopping... but when I say "worked as a pair" I think I am misleading, because I am not implying that we made eye contact or even acknowledged each others' presence. 

Seriously, this is ridiculous. Why does she act like this? Why is there a ten-foot bubble of awkward around her? I swear, by the end of the month... we are having a conversation. 

That's a pretty bold claim. We'll see how I do...

In other news, I just may have FINALLY come up with a name! :D 

to-do

Bucket List #1:

Learn this dance.

Bucket list #2:

Perform it in public. Preferably on roller skates.

YAHOO!

another movie review in which I don't actually review the movie but prattle on about myself because that is the purpose of anon blogs! duh.

just saw this...

...I don't think it's meant to depress people, but it left me feeling worse about myself than anything else! It seems my life mirrors her a little too closely-- minus the cute cop. Or any guy at all. Also minus the good looks and cute clothes, and sunny weather, and humor... but equal on the awkwardness!


so I've decided to put out a personal ad...



Single Pale Female Looking for a Non-Drooler...


--must be between the ages of 20-35.
           I could even be flexible on this. I would not turn away a cute 37 year-old, for instance. Especially if he was a cop and/or had a dreamy accent... (the two would seem incongruous, but hey, it worked in the movie...) Any younger, however, I feel is a bit exploitative. 


--must have a BMI between 18.5-24.9 (this, apparently, is "normal range"... yes, just had to look it up, and no, I am not even aware of my own BMI...)


--must enjoy a physical activity of some sort


--must participate in this physical activity on a semi-regular basis


--sex does not count


--neither does anything involving electronics.


--must love the outdoors


--must love dogs... to some degree. Ok, must TOLERATE dogs. Must be skeptical of cats...


--must be amused by small children, chipmunks, and me


--must have a GED, preferably a BA/ BS, and ideally an unquenchable thirst for knowledge...



I am being so flexible here, folks! Please. I can't be that atrocious. I swear I brush my teeth consistently. I mastered toilet training and have been a relatively fast learner since. I even shaved yesterday (AND washed my hair.) What more could you want?!

tra la la ignore this post

to read later

oh dear oh dear oh dear

Please believe me, that last post was written to showcase (and make fun of!) my own ignorance. I really would love to visit different parts of Russia one day-- especially to take the train from one end to the other like NPR did.

Anyway, I better get back to derby matters because clearly I am falsely advertising with all this (ignorant!) talk of Russia.

I skipped practice last night to work on "homework". I have an exam on Friday and a presentation Thursday, but I haven't been very studious. At all. If they let me graduate that will be a minor miracle.

Actually, I exaggerate. I will be graduating, but I am a bit concerned about graduating with honors. My GPA is quite close to a 3.5 and I worry that this exam will tip me over the wrong way and all my hard work will have been for naught...


Oh, sorry, is this a derby blog?!

Ugh.

Anyway, they had to practice at this TINY rink out in the boonies so I think it was just as well. They're resurfacing our floor. They said to wear pants to tomorrow's practice because the floor will be "scratchy"...?? I will do some investigative reporting and get back to you rightquick with an explanation. Provided I go...


xoxo and big smooches to you, derby babe!

let's be diplomatic about this

I apologize, Russia.

Yes, the whole country.

I realize several of your citizens have been visiting my blog recently, and I do not suspect a grassroots roller derby movement to be the culprit. I believe my rather personal / emotional "movie review" to have thrown things off, since I mentioned the ill-fated Russian Cosmonaut.

I do wonder what they were expecting to read. Well, not much more can I say about your country. Obviously you know it better than I do. In fact I don't know it at all. Want to see my ignorance? Ok, here we go... Top Ten Facts I Know About Russia... That I May Have Fabricated



1. There is this really deep lake... the deepest in the world. Lake Bichal. Bikal? I'm not going to cheat and google it... anyway, this lake looked super beautiful in a documentary I saw, but then I was talking to a lady who had visited and she said it was really trashed. So, Russia, clean up your act.


Ok, just looked it up... Lake Baikal holds 1/5th of the world's freshwater supply and is dangerously over-polluted. Look at this sad seal... 

2. Siberia is large, and cold... but arctic foxes live there. (Another documentary...)


No contest here...






3. There is a farm in Russia where they raise foxes for pets. Each fox is around... $7,000 I think. Super expensive but I still dream of the day... no, this was not gleaned from a documentary but NGO!


Here is the original story that I read last year.  The price is actually closer to $6,000... but then I started reading more about the ethics of owning an exotic (or even domestic fox!) which brought me down a whole 'nother wormhole. I guess it's just as well I'll never have the cash to worry about this sort of thing! 






4. Russians like to drink. Not featured in any documentary that I've seen, but is a well-established stereotype that I will continue to uphold. C'mon... who doesn't like to drink?


Wow, stereotypical... hmmm, a great way to invite readers. Also, I'm not even going to address that last question. (Too flippant to come out of my mouth! Except it did.) 
I turned to Google to get to the bottom of this. Low and behold, after typing in, "Do Russians..." Google supplied "drink a lot" as the fifth query. (#1-4 were, "Like Americans" / "Hate America" / "Celebrate Christmas" / "Need a visa to visit Mexico". Crazy what people are feeling the urge to google lately... 


Anyway, this question has actually been statistically analyzed. Pictures are worth more than my crappy explanations, so here you go: 

5. Russia loves to swallow up countries. Russia is like a diabetic who binges on sugar (i.e. land) and then is really fat and gets really sick because it cannot manage all of its sugar but is still defensive of its desserts all the same. And if a dessert says, "NO! You can't have me! I'm going to run away!" Russia gets all pissed and chases after it with forks. But sometimes the dessert wins (I.e. South Ossetia... and Poland...)


I don't even know where I was going with this. 




6. Russia had this really cool queen... Helen? Helen the Great? She had red hair (I think) and was super sly and smart. She didn't bother getting married because that was just TOO much drama for her! Instead she was all about conspiracies. And she was super good at managing her diabetes, but then of course after she passed on the crown (i.e. died?) everything went downhill for a long while... some may argue has yet to ascend....


Her name was Catherine, she did not have red hair and she did a lot of cooler things than I implied. 






7. Gorbachev has almost the exact same birthmark as my high school religion teacher, the latter was extremely proud of this.


Crickets....




8. Babushka and ba-boosh-KA are two similar words that mean grandma and butterfly. I don't know which means which. Maybe Russians like to appease their grandmas by calling them butterflies. Hey, I didn't invent the language...


Butterfly: бабочка


Grandma: бабушка


This knowledge came from a little Russian girl I spent a few weeks with. She stole my heart and I wonder where she is today.... another story I may share another time. Anyway, she tried her darndest to get me to hear the difference but I never could sort it out! 








9. The Berlin Wall came down just a few years before I was born... a chunk of it is in a local museum. And by a chunk, I mean the whole shebang. Taller and wider and hopefully heavier than me, with graffiti and everything.


I'd show you a picture as proof but really, who cares? 




10. Uhm... my mom makes DELICIOUS Russian Tea Cakes. Folks around here call them "Spanish Wedding Cakes", I do not know why. They are clearly Russian in origin.


No proof needed, you wouldn't believe me anyway! And I'm not sharing! :P



Whelp, there you go. I am disturbingly under-educated and seemingly insensitive about Russia. I did apologize in advance...

...however, I am surprised that I could even come up with 10! (I could have kept going, too! Didn't bring up hemophilia, or matryoshka dolls, or St. Petersburg's origins...) 


will you still let me visit??

please??

The Godmothers

My favorite water bottle has been captured.

I left it behind at practice today. I thought it was a joke when I overheard girls saying, "Yeah, make sure you don't leave anything, or it will get donated to the lost and found!" This was usually followed by a chuckle. As in, wink wink, we won't really STEAL your things...

Nope, no joke. For reals. My derby league has turned into a mafia organization.

They've imprisoned my water bottle-- my FAVORITE water bottle-- (and possibly my other favorite which, come to think of it, I haven't been able to locate recently) and now I am supposed to auction it back with proceeds going to an Alzheimer's foundation. What a crummy way to force donations, I say!!! Not only that, but the next auction isn't for another 5 weeks... and I might not be around. So, lost for good.

Yeah, I'm making mountains out of molehills, and being generally unaltruistic (a word I've just invented)... but srsly. You don't know the pride behind this canister.


UGH!

wonderings

Just was inspired by this blog (See entrance on 5/5/12).  So much of her writing mirrored my own life now, from her Political Science/ Pre-law majors and dreams of being a lawyer to her INFJ personality.

I really try to look to others for wisdom, especially those older than me. I'm at a pretty uncertain point in my life right now. Here's what's going on:

--Should I take the CELTA or ITTT ESL course? I think the difference is between an Ivy League / Community college. I can afford the CELTA but it would hurt. And taking the ITTT class would mean I could stay in my city, continue derby and...
--Find a Job? Should I take the summer off and focus on babysitting/ traveling, or should I live with relatives in Canada, or should I find a waitressing job and get tipssssss. or should I try and intern somewhere "prestigious" (a PR or law firm?) or... what??
--Should I still go to Korea to teach English?
--Should I look for a man? Is it ok that most turn me off, and the only ones I feel comfortable with are those that I'm intellectually attracted to, and therefore am physically unattracted to? I want kids one day, but I have never had a serious relationship, and now that I've reached the ripe old age of 22 and two days, I wonder if I'll EVER find "someone special". Or, rephrase-- someone special who hasn't already been spoken for. The world is looking smaller and smaller and I doubt anyone will be able to "get" my weird sense of humor or any other quirks. Or if they do that they won't be of the male species and mom will not approve.
--I feel I'm losing my faith, but I want it back. I don't want to be ashamed of my roots, and sometimes I get annoyed with myself for being "embarrassed" by my faith, especially around my derby sisters.
--I am getting FAT and not impressed with that direction. I am currently 5'8 and 149 pounds. Yuck! Yuck! YUCK!!! My biggest problem is boredom eating. And binging. Especially on sweets. Today I started running again and really do want to get back into a fitness routine. Maybe I can use this blog to be more accountable. More sleep, more water, less sugars, less snacks, less binging = happier me.

ok. this is so negative, and boring, and BLAH. but I had to get it out there. Hopefully, when my future starts to shape itself, everything will fall into place and I'll look back on this entry as entertaining...

Another Earth

I just saw this film.

Really thought-provoking. Not just this clip but the entire movie. It ends on one of the best questions of all. I like movies that wrap up tidily, yet the way they decided to end this was probably better than anything I'd have come up with.

This movie asks the question, "What would it be like to meet yourself?" But it also toys with the idea of fate, and trying to alter your course, and how maybe you're stuck with the life you have but changing your perspective  makes all the difference. The choices you make have a ripple effect on others around you, and draws a larger pool than you could have imagined. 

I think about my own life. My dad and sister being killed. Their deaths didn't just affect me and make me sad, but they also affect how I live my life. And how I live my life affects others. One night changed everything for me-- but maybe it changed nothing. Maybe I would be me anyway. Would I? Quite existential tonight, aren't I? 

Anyway, just looked a bit more into the story of the Russian Cosmonaut (source). The real story is even "stranger than fiction"-- and in some ways, fits with the theme of the film. The real Russian Cosmonaut (or, at least one of them) was Vladimir Komarov. The Russians were racing the Americans to develop a space program. The plan was to have these guys go up and switch mid-flight. Komarov was to go first, but the space shuttle was poorly constructed. Komarov knew he was going to die, but suited up anyway because the alternate pilot-- Yuri Gagarin-- was his friend. And no one could stop the mission because no one dared approach Brezhnev.

No one can stop your life. You're speeding on a course that you didn't exactly pick and you can't derail yourself, and even if you manage to survive the crash, as you pick up the pieces you realize that there is nothing you can do to go back and undo what happened. You can't relive and undo your mistakes. You just have to move forward.

You can't hug them one last time. You can't stop them from going. You can't say, Just wait! Please! Don't go tonight! You don't need your hair cut. You don't need to go. Stay here. Stay with me. One more night. Please don't go. Please don't go.

I was going to be in the car that night. All set to go, excited to be with my big sister. I had my pink coat on. The soft one with the lamb stitched in the tag in the back. I am standing in the kitchen. It's December and dark outside. Jessie and Dad are standing in the hallway. The light is on. Mom is standing by the stove and tells me she's been thinking it over and has decided I should stay home after all. It's a school night and she doesn't know how late they'll be home. I'm mad and annoyed and frustrated but I can't argue. I say goodbye and hug them both. They leave. And I never see them again.

Except I do. I see them, puffy, pale, perfumed... lying so stiffly in the caskets. Jessie looks so different, and it's not just her hair shorter than the last time I saw it. She has makeup on-- more than she's ever worn before. It's caked on her face and looks awful. Her lips are a strange shade of peach. I remember watching her put on lip liner in the upstairs bathroom we shared. I watched, and ran into my room to grab a pencil. Except the pencil hurt my lips when I tried to press it to my mouth like she did. Jessie was frustrated with me for copying her. But I wanted to do everything she did, including follow her the last night she was alive to get her hair cut.

Even Dad has makeup on. I thought if I stared hard enough, I could see the necklace Jessie was wearing rise and fall. She wasn't dead! She wasn't dead! She was alive after all, it was all a big mistake and we could go home and forget the horrible event. Or, after they were burried-- the doorbell would ring and they would be at our front door, and it would turn out that it hand't been them in the accident-- that my real dad and sister were still alive somewhere, suffering from amnesia. And maybe it'd be awkward at first having them back, and maybe they wouldn't remember everything or remember me completely-- but that'd be ok, because they'd still be here, alive.

These were the fantasies I entertained. And still sometimes I slip back into these familiar dreams. But the problem with dreaming is that sometimes you let go of reality. And slipping away from the real world won't bring them back, but neither will it help me. I'm not an island. I have ripples spreading throughout this world. And if I'm conscious of these ripples-- that my life isn't solely my own, that I owe it to other people to fully engage in the present-- than maybe I'll help myself in the process.

Candles and cake and lighting the world on fire.

Happy Birthday to ME!


22 years ago I entered this world, and it's been a heckofa ride, let me tell you.


I'm thinking about getting a tattoo to commemorate this. I was going to wait 'till my 30th birthday... but hmmm... finding some cute ones on Pinterest.

Since this is likely never to happen, I'll share my top favorites (of the moment).

Beating heart... this is clever, and although a bit bizarre, also captivating... 

This one, especially, is never happening... but that doesn't stop me from finding it ADORABLE! I was toying with the idea of Bambi or Bambino for a derby name, and this would have been perfect! 

...dang it, now I'm reconsidering that derby name... :P

And for my favorite...

Not so much the wording or the script, but I love the placement and the bird!

ta ta for now, my bloggy friends... 

Daily Affirmations

For when Derby gets me down...

People Are [sometimes] Awesome 2011

While I disagree with the title... this is a pretty cool collection of stunts:

Death Threats

Excuse me, folks... we interrupt your regular scheduled programming to bring you word of a death threat overheard on campus today...

I just have to write this down, and then I plan to contact the counseling department tomorrow or (less ideally) the Campus "Safety"... how safe they keep me is open to interpretation but I suppose they are one option.

Tonight I was in the IT department happily filling out an application (side topic!) when I became aware of a rather loud conversation occurring behind me. Initially I was just annoyed that these folks were talking in a regular voice when all the other students were hushed, bent over their work. Finals are next week and the campus has remembered its purpose and newly serious students abound. As I cursed myself for forgetting earplugs, I started to actually listen to what these students were saying and became rather disturbed.

I knew the male student. We were even Facebook friends for a period of time. This fellow is quite an odd duck... I would say on the aspergers end of the social spectrum. He can often be found running up and down a hallway, muttering and correcting himself. I used to call his name and say hello, but rarely would he acknowledge me. He seems intelligent but lacking in social graces-- or just viewing these customs as irrelevant. The female student he was talking to I had never seen before. Nor was I even aware he could carry on an intelligible conversation for so long. Their conversation sounded very pretentious, as conversations between intelligent-people-lacking-in-social-cues often do.

Boy: "...my father is actually highly intelligent. I believe he could have had any job he wanted to, but he chose not to, and I respect him for that."
Girl: "Yeah, he could be a millionaire."
B: No... much more than that. You don't understand.
G: Oh, well when I said millionaire, I meant multi-millionaire.
...
At this point I rolled my eyes and tuned out, until I heard...

G: Your mother is despicable. I just want her to die. I just wish she would choke on something and die.
B: Well, that's not likely to happen...
G: But it could! Does your mother have a predisposition for long life?
B: Yes, well my mother's family is actually quite well known for living a very long while...
G: Is your mother in good health?
B: Yes, she seems to be taking very good care of herself, actually...
G: Well is she a diabetic? Does she like red meat?
B: I don't know...

This line of questioning seemed incredibly bizarre to me... like she was trying to plot ways to kill off the guy's mother. I felt I had to intervene in some way... and I couldn't believe the disdain I was hearing in her voice.

Next thing I know, the guy was saying, "Well, I don't want my mother to actually die!" To which the girl retorted, "Kyle, she's a cancer. She's a cancer in your life that needs to be cut out!"

I couldn't stay silent any longer.

I turned around and said, "Hey, guys, I don't really want to hear these kinds of things being said."

"Oh, ok, sorry..." they mumbled. The guy showed no sign of recognition-- in fact, he didn't even look up at me, once.

But I wasn't finished.

I turned to the girl and said, "You know, I'm reminded of a quote by Anne Lamott... she says that you can safely assume that you've created God in your image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." I was trying to imply that maybe there was more to this "despicable mother" than she saw, and that no matter how much she detested the woman, she had no right to wish these horrible things on her.

The girl was unimpressed with my sermon, to say the least.

"Well, I'm not normally like this..." and I started to nod my head, only to be told, "...but I don't think you have any right to be judgmental!"

Whoa whoa whoa. I hate the j-word. Kids these days... toss it around so flippantly. Chick, listen here. You're making death threats on this guys' mother! I'm not "judging" you by telling you to stop it.

But my brilliant retort was only, "I am not being judgmental, I'd just appreciate not hearing things like this... so just... keep it down."

Yeah, really socked it to her there.

Anyway, I e-mailed my mom telling her I might be murdered before I returned home. She was only slightly aroused. The more I thought about it, the more disturbed I became. I told her and my sister the story later. Mom suggested I get in contact with someone on campus about it, just in case. I called one of my best friends who works on campus. I figured E would have a pretty good idea of who I should talk to, if anyone. E suggested I e-mail this guy's residence director, which I am about to do. It could be nothing and probably is... but then again, I'd rather it be not on my conscience any longer.

So... what did you overhear today?



(And no, Kyle is definitely not his real name.)

meh.

They warned me there'd be practices where I felt lousy, and last night was one of them. I couldn't seem to do anything right, I kept feeling self-conscious that others (e.g. Tony Hawk) were watching, and I just felt so far behind everyone else-- even the "new" newbies!!

I'm determined to get better. I want to go trail skating, and thankfully it's stopped raining... however I have so many things needing to be done that I can't justify taking the time.

Robbing Peter to pay Paul leaves lots of debts unpaid. I am not feeling successful in any area of life right now. I'll quit this whiny post and come back later with some more derbsperation!


P.S. On a brighter note... Tony said "Thank you" when I held the door open for her! Lucy says it doesn't count since even strangers do this, but I am chalking it up to SUCCESS! Point TWO for me, zilch for Lucy.

GOAAAAAAL!!!

If I can make eye contact with Tony Hawk, maybe I should work on other goals, too.

Here are some for the following week:

--Run 10 miles total
--Drink 60+ oz / day... of water, fools.
--Get 8+ hours sleep/night
--perfect Tstop, hockey stop & shutter stop

Tales from the after party

Here's a great intro to the following: Should have just stayed home.

I entered the derby world only three months ago, so naturally I don't know everyone super well. I should have remembered my pathetic appearance at the Awards Banquet only three weeks in, but two after-parties ago was somewhat fun (and I decided to discount the last one because it was an away bout). Since I don't know when, if ever, I'll be with this team at another bout/party, I figured I should make the most of tonight. And not head directly home, even though I was tired/ had homework chez moi.

Also Foal insisted I come. I don't know why I believed her, she is quite the social butterfly and I should have predicted that I'd be either standing awkwardly around/ following her like a puppy. Because that is basically what happened until Lucy finally came.

Meanwhile I witnessed:
--Foal mooning a stranger to show him her bum tattoo
--Tony and her frand having close relations, with Foal joining in and leaving me to be an awkward fourth wheel. I'm awkward to begin with, I don't need wheels involved!
--lots of adults uncomfortably trying to not act their age.

I guess I'm just not a bar person. I figured that out a while ago, I don't know why I thought joining derby would make it not so.

Then Lucy came, and we had a good time speculating on Tony and other things. But the whole time I just really wanted to be home, and felt awkward dancing... I really wasn't enjoying myself but I waited until Tainted came so Lucy wouldn't be alone.

I don't think I was the only one feeling on the fringes... Superbabe didn't talk to Tony at all, even though they're supposedly derby wives. I tried to get her to join in dancing with Lucy and me, but I could tell she wasn't into it. Neither was I, but the only alternative to dancing was standing around.

I didn't realize that I forgot to say goodbye to Foal until this morning, when I saw that she posted on my wall around 2 AM asking where I was. Tainted responded that I'd gone home hours ago. I just wonder.... why were they on Facebook at the bar? This is what I don't get about bars. You could drink at home, and you wouldn't have creepy/ attractive strangers staring at you. It's not like you ever talk to those strangers, or if you do, that anything good comes of it-- so why not just drink at home? That way you save lives and gas, because you're not driving around intoxicated. Which also concerns me, because Foal has taken a liking to Fireballs and she was driving last night. But what can I do?

Write a blog about it, apparently.

I made eye contact with Tony Hawk

So, Tony Hawk was my second derby crush, and yet it's only been a crush from afar as Tony is not very outgoing. Before the bout, Lucy and I were puzzling over her. We can't figure out if she's just shy/introverted, or if she really hates us all.

Tony seems to have taken a liking to Foal, however. Yet when I asked Foal whether Tony was shy or not, Foal just kind of shrugged it off. "I don't know, I don't know her very well..." LIES. They're fb friends, and Tony is always around her. I'm now even more confused about the situation.

So I made a bet with Lucy that I would make eye contact with Tony by the end of the night. It was a hard-earned bet, let me tell you. I watched her for an entire game, and it wasn't until we slapped hands at the end of it that she finally looked IN MY EYES. And it was kind of a dead-fish sort of slap. But I conquered!

I had to action track during the second game last night. Tony sat and took pictures, but also seemed to be quite cozy with a fan/friend/frand? (The line seems  a bit fuzzy.) Then she came around during half-time when Foal was sitting on my lap and took pictures of us. I'm sure every one of them was awful, I felt so weird having her there! She talked a bit to Foal, and possibly even laughed at a joke of mine, but I can't remember her ever looking AT ME. So weird.

Anyway, I guess at least I'm getting somewhere...

let's do the numbers

Ok, I'm posting this only to test my limits later. I challenged E to run it with me 7 minutes faster (ideally by the Color Run this August)... but then we both decided that may be too ambitious. So we settled for six minutes.

Time : 25:27

18th in my division (72 total)

57/652 women or 263/ overall (1,139).

My good friend R WON in our division with a time of 19:50, also claiming that she "hadn't run in a while"... not sure we believe her! :)

So I'm actually pretty pleased with these results, considering everything. Must be all that derby training! :P

Push it! Push it REAL good!

Ever have mornings where you wake up and think, "HEY! I think it'd be a good idea to run a 5k race today, even though I haven't run since... December? November?"

Yeah, me neither.

Except the friend who invited me must have caught me off guard, and somehow I ended up at the starting line this morning. Lots of good-looking people around. And spritely little kids. I must love public humiliation!

Since I found out about the race at approximately 8 PM last night, I really didn't have much time to train. My strategy was to stay out really late (went to a late night showing of The Hunger Games!) and eat really rich, fattening cake as a late-night snack (Tuxedo Cheesecake by Costco... yummm). Dinner of champions.

I don't know my time yet, but I must say, I passed several folks around my age and stayed ahead of them, so I'm not feeling TOO badly... even though by the second mile I was struggling. My ankle never gave me trouble, either. Considering I ran a half marathon this summer, you'd think it'd be like riding a bike... nope. Not at all like riding a bike. Unless the bike is supposed to go up a steep incline, and you are trying to navigate tiny tots zipping past....

It's good to have your humble pie and eat it too!

Tonight I'm action tracking for my last derby game for a while (hopefully only a little while!)... and going to the afterparty, of course! Hopefully I won't stay out too late... last week I didn't get home until 3:30 AM. Don't tell my mother...

bruised little girl

First injury today as a derby girl... not even derby-related! :(

I was free-climbing (apparently known as "bouldering" to the hipster climbing types) a rock wall and got a little scared about how high I had gotten.

(At this point, I should probably mention that I'm scared of heights.)

So I jumped, cat-like, onto the mat below. And by "cat-like" I mean with a howl, minus the finesse.

Except the mat wasn't as padded as I was expecting, and my ankle somehow rolled beneath me. It hurt right away, but I didn't really notice it until later. I don't know what to do about it, aside from "resting"--- would it be ok to skate outside on it? Today is Friday and I won't have practice 'till Monday evening, when I can ask our resident physical therapist. Ergh.

Many more bruises and bumps to come, I am sure (and probably even some that are derby-related!).


P.S. Did you know that when you climb a building it is called "buildering"?? Ha ha ha!  (source)

HEY YOU!

Bienvenue!

Well, I started an anonymous blog about life.

Then I realized that all I really wanted to write about was derby. And that if I kept doing that, I couldn't be too anonymous. Also that no one really cares about blogs, anyway, so neither should I.

Though I'm writing this at my university and super paranoid about everyone who walks behind my monitor / sees me "blogging". "Look at that chick with the bandana wrapped around her head. Who does she think she is? Rosie the Riveter?"

Well, yes, actually, but that name was already taken.

Lots to write about in the future:

--How I got started in Derby
--Choosing a derby name
--My derby mentor
--my derby crushes
--things I'd like to improve about derby
--things I want to buy
--my goals/ things I want to work on
--derby teams I plan to visit
--game recaps

But for now... I say sayonara!